Today I am having a very emotional day. I don't know why these days spring up on me out of the blue, but I get them every so often. I find myself going from utter happiness and joy to severe fear and sadness. I love, love, love my children and am especially happy with where they are in life right now. I don't know of an age I like better than 20 months where I see Molly learning new things, saying new words, and becoming so independent. Sarah is so sure of herself and confident in who she is and that she will be marrying her daddy someday. I enjoy watching them learn from each other -Molly shows Sarah that she doesn't have to be so serious all the time, and Sarah teaches Molly how to understand things that she is doing. They are both so special to me and so different from each other. I am loving being their mom!
And then I flip. I almost go into convulsions thinking about how quickly they are growing and how little time I actually have with them. Will I remember what it feels like every time Molly says "Nuggle?" Will I regret that I didn't get Sarah more princess dresses? How do I know how I will feel when they are older and don't think the world revolves around me anymore? Will I wish I had spent more time with them? Will I regret the choices I'm making today when I no longer have the option? I hate that these thoughts pop up every so often and that when they do, they consume my every thought.
Sometimes I wish life were much simpler so that I could quit my job, spend all my time with them, yet still be able to provide them with the things that I want them to have and experience. I love my job and the importance of waking up and having somewhere to go each day, so does that make me a bad mom for not wanting to give it up?
I am sorry that this post is so depressing, but it is theraputic to blog about these thoughts, and I'm confident that I will read back over this one day and laugh at my craziness. The bottom line is that I love my girls and want for them to have the best life possible. I always knew parenting would be hard. I guess it's teaching me that I don't like to choose one thing over another. I want it all for my girls. I want them to have a well rounded, happy mom to look up to. I want them to be able to take ballet, swimming, and ice skating lessons. I want them to experience new things. I want them to be happy.
The question is...am I doing it right???
Known
5 months ago
3 comments:
YES!! You are so doing it all right!! Yes, you will always remember NUGGLE and no...the dresses she has are so special...having too many makes it to common. There world will revolve around their grown up lives and you will treasure the feeling of PROUD you have watching them. You were born to teach. Your girls are very well rounded and balanced by your love and attention. You will see...it is written! I love you Mabecca
Are you crazy?! Your thoughts sure seem crazy to me...me, your little sister, who has watched you raise two of the most beautiful and intelligent girls I've ever known thus far, and to do it so well - As an outsider, you make it look so effortless! You make it look so easy and natural, I only hope to learn some of your techniques! you were born to be a mommy, as well as a teacher of others. Whenever you think you are doing it wrong, think of me, and all of those precious lives you touch everyday when you go to work to TEACH. You teach more people than you know, and I thank you for that! Love you!
Beckie, I think all of those feelings come with being a mom. We are doomed to feel guilty no matter what we choose. Stay at home and feel guilty, work and feel guilty. I think we can only do the best we can. Do wht you need to do to be happy and your children will be better off for having parents that are happy and satisfied with life. If you had never worked your girls would be different people. And from what I read your girls are pretty amazing so it sounds like you're doing a fantastic job.
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